I am Content
Wow...okay. It's been a whole week since I've posted. On Friday last week I fell and it turns out I got a mild concussion from it! Though it wasn't very serious, as my family and I learned the hard way a few years ago with my sister, it's important to let your brain heal after a concussion or it will not forgive you. The way to heal from a concussion is to rest a lot and to avoid any stimuli like loud sounds, light, reading, and definitely avoid screens. This of course made it impossible to sit in front of computer screen and write a blog post.
The first couple of days with my concussion I just stayed in my room in the dark and I slept for a long, long time. So I didn't even try to catch up with the Bible reading until 3 days later!
It was really weird not reading...I had a spell where I didn't read for a few days back in December but this was a new kind of weird. I don't know if the actual ailments are what made these two experiences feel so different: fever vs. head injury. I remember writing last time that I felt under a spiritual attack during my time away from the Word..this time felt like an odd depression.
It didn't take long for me to want. I found myself obsessing over things I had long ago set aside to focus on Jesus. I found myself desiring things that don't matter. I found myself living in my own head and feeling dissatisfied.
When I started getting in the Word again I listened to it on audio as I was still trying to rest my eyes. And it felt like I had been off track and I was being putting back in the right place. What comes to mind is the image of those little toddler toys with blocks in different shapes and each block has a space it fits. The star shaped block fits in the star shaped space..the square shaped block fits in the square shaped space...the circle, the triangle..etc. It was like I was a shape teetering on the edge, right there but not quite and when I heard the Word of God again I was set straight...I was back...
Everything I had been obsessing over and desiring...I realized that though it wasn't necessarily wrong to want those things...though I don't think it would have been called a sin...though I truly believe God knows my heart and cares about what I desire...I realized that there were more important things to think about. I realized that I could come up with a hundred things to want but that I don't need anything.
I learned this week that one of the things reading the Bible every day has taught me is contentment. Contentment that is this steady is something I have been searching for...even while knowing Jesus as my Savior! Because I guess I'm one of those human beings who forgets the truth, who forgets that God is with me, who forgets that I am safe and loved. I guess I'm one of those human beings who needs to be reminded of who God is and who I am. I guess I'm one of those rare human beings.
But the Word of God drowns out those doubts. It shines light on what matters. It sets things straight. The Word of God is the reminder I need every day that I have everything I need.
I was reminded of what the psalmist said in Psalm 23
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing."