1 Timothy 5:1-25
Today was a day for strong beverages and red lipstick. And yes, I do hope I sound like a Gilmore Girl when I say that.
I know from the picture it looks like today was a breeze, and the latter part of the day was pretty nice. It had to be. Because this morning I subbed.
I realize the past few entries of Bible Diary-ing have been rather dramatic. And today I'm here to stop being vague and come out and say it: I withdrew from grad school.
It has become very, very clear to me that I am not meant to be a teacher. I don't want to be in the classroom...I hate school...I hate academics. And there you have it, 3 disqualifying traits that are very true about me.
I am a good teacher though, so I'm glad to know that. I want to teach the Word of God. I want to be in ministry. I love kids, I just really don't care if they know what 2+2 is. (But in case you are a first grader reading this, it's 4).
I'm really glad to have this clarity from God. Because, for the record, this decision to quit grad school came because I truly believe God told me to. I learned I did not enjoy teaching but I was still trying to like it and trying to stick with it but God released me from it. And for that I'm grateful.
But it is really hard for me to make such a decision, to see the door close, without even a inkling as to what I'm going to do now. And it's really hard for me to go against my parents who thought I should stick with the program a little longer.
But my mom did say, "If you believe God is telling you to do this, then you know you have to do it."
Truth be told, a lot of my dramatic feelings about this decision are probably rooted in the fact that I know how irresponsible this looks and I can't explain it: not to my parents, not to anyone, and I want to be able to explain it.
My only explanation that I have to offer, because it is the only explanation that has been offered to me: God spoke and I obeyed.
A theme I'm picking up on lately in all my reading and the songs I've been listening to and so on...
I've been spending months wondering what God was calling me to. When all along, I know what He's calling me to.
I wanted God to tell me how He wants me to make my living and be a civilized grown-up...all important things. But ultimately God doesn't care how successful I am, whether I get a teaching credential or not, whether I go into business or whatever. God looks at my heart and He wants me to be seeking Him, living my life worshiping Him. Loving Him with my heart, soul, mind, and strength. God commands me to love Him and love my neighbor. God commands me to go and make disciples and teach them to obey Him!
What a waste to sit around wondering how to be presentable to the world as a productive adult. What a waste. Jesus is everything. All this other stuff is meaningless.
When it comes to how the Spirit leads and how He led me to withdraw from grad school, I'm working on how I talk about that. Because I want to be able to discuss that. But also, what do I really know about that? I am always learning.
But certain things are less difficult to define, less confusing and less about discernment and all about just reading God's Word and seeing that He tells us to obey. If that's not what Jeremiah is talking about, I don't know what.
I want to be bananas for Jesus. Employed or not, educated or not, productive or not, married or not, busy or not, rich or not, etc. It doesn't matter, Jesus is for all the time.
And people need to hear about Him.
As I was withdrawing from grad school this week I felt God calling me out into the world again. I've been in Christian education my whole life and during my last semester at Biola Fall 2016 I felt God impressing on my heart that it was time to take what I had learned out into the world. Hence, the Biola slogan: "equipping men and women to impact the world for the Lord Jesus Christ." And here I was, less than a year later, worrying about what I'm supposed to do with my life, so I quickly decided to just go get a teaching credential, and at Biola! And I'm seeing God call me back and say "no, no, don't go back to the familiarity, to the bubble."
It never felt right going back to Biola and seeing this is probably a big reason why: God is calling me out into the world to make an impact for the Lord. And I want to, I want to.
So, no, I don't know exactly what God is calling me to, logistically next. But I know what God is calling me to.
Obey, preach, teach, serve, love.